It's All About Love

Open adoption. That was a new concept for me. But I knew that Kalina wanted to be in contact with her baby. I did too. This was my very first grandchild - and I struggled with the fact that I could possibly lose him right after meeting him for the first time. I had heard so many stories of difficulties in open adoptions; struggles between the birth family and adoptive family, which ultimately left the child feeling empty in the end. But I had also heard stories of beautiful moments, when birth mothers and their children were reunited. So I kept my mind open. Besides, it wasn't my choice. We went to Utah in July, and met Melanee, Branden and their two boys. Spending time with them gave me comfort. I saw pictures on their walls of their family, as well as their birth mothers. And I felt the love that they had to offer. So I trusted in the inspiration my daughter had received from Heavenly Father. And I trusted in God. But it wasn't always easy.

We Skyped over the next few months. Kalina shared ultrasound pictures with them. We felt the confirmation over and over that this was the family that Kalina's baby should be placed in. And the birth approached. Then came the day that Kalina broke down. Her baby was due to be born within a couple of weeks. She had been brave for so long, knowing that God wanted her to place her baby with the Wilson family. I remember it clearly. She came in and sat on my bed. She was sobbing. "Mom. I don't want to lose him! He's been with me for so long, every second of the day! I just want to be selfish and keep him for myself!" I listened as she cried. After a little while, she had calmed down a bit, and I shared "Kalina, you could always change your mind. It isn't the first time that a birth mother has done so. Sure the Wilson family would be disappointed, but it is a possibility. But before you make the final decision, think back on the feeling that you got when God confirmed to you that Helam (that was what she called him) was to be part of Melanee and Branden's family. You made that decision because you love him so much! Pray about it. Be open to God's answer, but always know that should you decide to keep him no one would condemn the decision."

Kalina prayed and received the peace and confirmation that all would be well. Peace flooded her body and mind that she wasn't losing her baby, but instead, gaining a family. The time passed quickly, and suddenly it was time to go to the hospital. Branden and Melanee flew in the day Kalina went into the hospital. Kalina's labor was long and tiring. But she rallied like a champ. I was there the whole time. It was a bittersweet moment watching my oldest bring a baby into this world. Labor isn't easy, and I just wanted to take it all away from her. But I couldn't. It wasn't mine to experience. Kalina worked hard, and seventeen hours later she delivered a beautiful baby boy. She was age seventeen. He was perfect. Melanee was able to be in the room with us, to see her boy come into the world.

Once Austen Helam was born, Kalina had 48 hours. Forty eight hours to love and hug her boy, to hold him close. Forty eight hours to give him all the love that she had pent up inside. The time passed quickly. A friend came and took pictures with him, creating special memories for Kalina. And before we even realized it, forty eight hours was up. The last day, Melanee and Branden left the hospital so that we could spend special time with our little boy. Kalina sat and rocked him. She sang to him. She whispered how much she loves him. Then the nurse walked in. She said if we were ready, that we could leave the hospital within the next thirty minutes, and they would have Wilsons pick up Austen then. Hearing those words was like being punched in the stomach. Kalina wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Tears filled our eyes. As the nurse looked over, she told us we could take as long as we needed. There was no rush. Thankfully, we closed the door behind her. Kalina held Austen tightly. And we wept. We cried for broken dreams, unmet expectations. We cried for that which would never be. We wept. Kalina sat and held her boy to her heart. Her mother love was so strong in that moment. For two hours we sat together. Finally Kalina said "I'm ready." She insisted on waiting until the Wilsons came. She wanted to place her boy into their arms.

We all left the hospital together. Kalina in the wheelchair with Austen in her arms, Melanee walking along side. At the curb outside, Kalina tearfully placed Austen into Branden's arms, so he could be buckled into this carseat. Then we left in our car and they left in theirs. Kalina sobbed the whole way home. I cried right along with her. We were happy that Austen had his forever family. We were heartbroken that he wouldn't be with us. But is was meant to be.

That night was probably the most difficult for Kalina. For the first time in months, she didn't have Austen with her. I checked in on her from time to time. And I couldn't sleep. Early in the morning I awoke. My heart was on fire. I was heartsick for my baby girl who was now so grown up. And I wrote this entry in my journal for her, for me, and for anyone who ever might have lost a child...

Austen first few days

  -- Monday my beautiful 17 year old daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby boy - Austen Helam. Helam is a name that he revealed to her as she connected with him. His names mean Majestic and Stronghold. He is a majestic stronghold. Kalina's midwife's name is Evelyn. It means wished for child. Her nurses during labor and delivery were Katy and Karen. Both those names mean pure. Kalina means pure love. Kalina went through 17 hours of labor, most of it back labor. Yesterday she signed the final
paperwork to place this beautiful boy into a loving home where he will have a father and mother, sealed in the temple, who will raise him in the gospel and teach him to be a righteous priesthood holder. It has been a bittersweet time. A time of joy. A time of mourning. The mourning has been so painful. However, it is always darkest before the dawn. Interesting, Kalina's nurses when she was released, who gave us an extra hour with Helam before it was time to go, were named Rosy and Aurora - bright dawn. I wrote this poem this morning. I wanted to share.

It’s always darkest before the dawn

My baby, my baby you came from above
From Heavenly parents who wrapped you in love
They hugged you and kissed you and then let you go
To spend precious moments on terra below.

My baby dear baby, I struggled for you
I paced and I labored, my vision was true.
Through valley of shadow of death I did go
To bring you my darling to this earth below.

And once here my darling, I cuddled you near
I rocked you and kissed you and loved you so dear
Our hearts beat together in rhythm so true
In that sacred space which was made just for you.

Then too soon my baby it came time to part
My tears fell unchecked as a hole filled my heart.
My heart yearns to see you and hold you so tight.
The day drags on slowly and endless the night.

And then the dawn breaks, there is hope for me here.
As love floods my being there’s nothing to fear.
The angels surround me and comfort my soul.
As God’s love enfolds me, I finally am whole.

My baby, my baby, I love you so dear
Inside me I feel you, God’s presence is near.
In dreams I still rock you and hold you so tight
And pray silent wishes for you every night.
               
                         -- Colette Hudgins 10/09/15

Birth Mother Perspective

Preface: I apologize for being so absent minded about posting! I've been busy with school and other things, but now the semester is over, so I can focus!

A lot of people have asked me this simple question: Do you miss your baby? I almost wonder if they think I'm a robot. I know they don't, but you have to wonder. To answer this, I want you to imagine something. Imagine you have a friend. This is a friend you have spent a ton of time with. It's almost as if you are connected at the hip because you spend so much time together. You know everything about this friend. What foods they like, how they express themselves, their personality, everything. Or maybe you do have that kind of friend in real life. Imagine them. One day, one that you knew had to come, you have to let them go. They become super special friends with other people, and you aren't their special friend anymore. They change, and you only notice when you do spend time with them, however short a time. Would you miss them? I believe you would. Well, that's how I feel about my little boy. Austen was my super special friend, one that I spent all my time with for nine months. When I had to let him go, it crushed me. When I visited Austen's family in April, I had a really hard time. I cried myself to sleep the first night I was there because Austen wasn't the same little man I thought I knew. He was only 6 months old, yet he had changed so quickly that it was hard to fathom. However, I knew, and still know, that it was the right thing to do. He is in a wonderful family, one who is able to care for his needs. He is a light in their life. I know it because I see it in their faces, in their attitudes, and in their countenances. I couldn't ask for a better place for my beautiful baby boy.

I may not be able to fully comprehend why an outside open adoption was the choice for my baby, but I can take heart in the fact that I do know it is helping grow another family, one who cannot do that for themselves. Even without Austen in the picture, I love the Wilsons. Ever since I met them, they have shown me nothing but love and support. Their generosity and love is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane when I am having a hard day. My life would go in a completely different direction without them. They always make sure I know that I am loved.

In a previous post I talked about the website I found their family on. The name of it is It's About Love. As I type out this post, I have a firm witness that adoption, whether open or closed, is truly all about love. Love is the center of everything, from placing in a family to sending pictures to spending time together. Not everyone will understand this, and that's okay. But I honestly believe that without the love that is present, adoption would not exist, or if it did, it would be a forced and unnatural thing. However, adoption does exist, and it is natural. It is not an alternative to struggling, but it is an extension of the capacity to love someone.

I know I've just been rambling on and on about love, and I don't know where I was going with this, but I'm going to leave you with one last thing. Go to the people that you love, and make sure they know that you love them. Sometimes that can be the best medicine for a broken heart, a wounded soul, or a wandering mind.