Sometime in the last two years, I came to a realization. Somewhere in my childhood, an experience, or several more after that, caused me to choose not to feel deeply. Why on earth would I want to feel deeply after all? It opened me up to be hurt by others. So I started building a wall. Subconsciously, albeit, yet the wall was created. I would push away my emotions, and "soldier on" with life, valiantly (or so I thought). This is a natural thing. We all have done it, in one way or another. Yet my realization, was that while I wasn't allowing myself to deeply feel the pain, I also wasn't allowing myself to deeply feel the joy. And as that happened, I was left feeling like something was missing. An intricate part of me. I started digging, focusing more on myself, truly analyzing what my feelings were as I went through life's experiences.
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| God's miracle! |
And life gave me many experiences to learn. Probably the one that helped me learn the most in preparation for the time of Austen's birth was when I miscarried Gideon. I had discovered, during Kalina's pregnancy, that I was pregnant too. I was torn - how do I share this time of joy, that a new baby would be joining our home with my daughter who was preparing to place her own beautiful son in someone else's arms? In the past I had shared the joy of my pregnancies with my children fairly early, so they could connect with and rejoice in a new baby with me. This time, it was different. I was afraid that Kalina might feel devastated. I was afraid it might make things more difficult for her. And then, there was the possibility that it actually might help her to have a little brother in the home about the same age as her boy. I pondered and prayed on what I should do, and held my secret close.
And then it happened. I started to feel the cramping, see the spotting. No! This can't happen now! I knew the signs - just over a year before I had experienced them. I went running in to my husband.
"Ben, I need a blessing right now." -- in our church, men who live up to a standard of worthiness set are able to have the priesthood and give priesthood blessings. These blessings, we believe, are directly from God, yet the men are the mouthpieces. Ben has told me before that when he gives these blessings, visions and images come to him that he then conveys to the person receiving the blessing in his words. Sometimes he blesses that a person might be healed. Sometimes not. But every time, comfort and love is felt.
He agreed. He laid his hands upon my head. Calling me by name, he told me that this beautiful spirit who had been in our home for a short time was not meant to come at this point. He had been there for the time he needed to be there. And now it was time for him to go. Yet he would always be grateful to me and call me mother.
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| Wilson family |
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As I listened to Ben's words, sobs broke out. Yet through the grief and sadness of losing my boy, I felt such joy! I was so grateful for our short time together! So grateful that he had chosen ME! So grateful for the love and excitement he had given me for the short time I had born him. I felt comfort and joy, in the midst of the grief. It seemed like such a crazy combination, but that was exactly what it was. And the joy gave value to a beautiful boy who had been a part of my life, albeit for only a few months. I felt it important to share what had happened with my family - so they could understand.
About eight weeks later, came the time for Kalina to give birth. As I watched my firstborn go through the age old process that countless women had experienced over the years, I was so proud of her. Through the struggle of the labor, she triumphed. And an exquisite manifestation of God's love entered this world. He came amidst much joy and sorrow. Joy for his birth! Joy that his family was there waiting with open arms. Joy for the miracle that we all experienced, the miracle of birth. Yet sorrow also prevailed. Sorrow that he would not remain with us. Sorrow that we wouldn't see him every day. Sorrow that he would be so far away.
There are no coincidences. I am so very grateful that Gideon came into my life when he did - for because of him, I was able to truly connect with my daughter and her experience of letting her son go. There are no coincidences. Because I allowed myself to truly feel - feel joy and sorrow in my time with Gideon, I opened myself up to feeling Austen and his spirit. At the time of his birth, I embraced our little boy and cherished every moment I had with him. I am grateful.
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| Kalina, Melanee and Kyle, Westen, Branden and Austen |
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Today is one year to the day that Austen Helam came into this world. I sit here reminiscing, memories flooding my mind. And I feel such joy! Happy birthday Austen! Happy mother's day, Kalina! Happy parents' day Melanee and Branden! While the entire experience has brought much heartache, joy outweighs it all, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world! For the experience has made my daughter into the woman that she is. It has made me into the matriarch that I am. I am closer to my daughter than I ever could have been. And it brought an amazing family from Utah into my life that I now consider family. And I smile. God is good! He is in charge. It's all about love! It's all about joy! There are no coincidences.
