Letting go...

"Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay." - Dalai Lama

Motherhood. The Struggles. The Triumphs. So much like Open Adoption.

Every since I remember I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to love and hold and guide and protect. My mother tells me it started very early. She shared of a day when my sister, who is sixteen months younger than me started crying and Mom didn't respond right away. I hurried back into my mother's bedroom where my sister was in her bassinet, which was really an oversized "moses basket". My mother said that she noticed that my sister stopped crying and went to peek in where she found me in the basket with my sister on my lap. She says she will never know how on earth I got into that basket without tipping it.

I remember the day Kalina was born so clearly, this beautiful girl who made me a mother. My labor was such that I felt I was being made to do this someone else's way, not what I wanted. It was not my ideal birth story, yet that didn't matter. I cradled her close to me. A day of struggle and pain. A day of joy.

I remember the first night we were home together as a family. The overstimulation of the day had gotten to Kalina. She cried and cried and cried. I tried everything I could imagine to help her out - feed her, change her diaper, swaddle her - but she would have none of it. Finally, exhausted, I handed her to my husband. He walked the floor with her for a bit, then finally laid her on his chest, and talked and sang to her. With that, she promptly fell asleep, nestled on her daddy. I watched her sleep, love welling up uncontrollably. A night of turmoil and frustration. A night of peace and joy.

I remember when she became a big sister. How she loved her baby brother! She was only 20 months old, but already she was a little mama. A few days into it, I remember having laid Kendrick down for a nap and was down the hall in the kitchen getting something to eat. I heard Kendrick starting to scream, and the sound just got closer, and as I turned to where it all was coming from saw Kalina walking down the hall with her baby brother dangling in her arms. He, desperate for help - she intent on giving it. Her intentions were so pure! Amidst my worry for my son, laughter bubbled up inside as I saw her eagerness to love. A day of anxiety and laughter. A day of joy.

I remember other milestones. First lost tooth. First Halloween to go trick or treating on her own. First dance. First date. I remember the day she broke the news about her pregnancy, tears of fear streaming down her face. I remember the day she told me she had decided to place her precious boy for adoption. I remember the day she broke down, fearing her own decision.  Many hugs and kisses shared. Many tears mingled with hers. These were days of struggles. Days of joy.

I remember the day she gave birth. Her labor was not easy. Her disposition courageous. The joy on her face as she saw him for the first time was exhilirating. The beautiful way she nursed him in the hospital, taking care of his every need. The love in her voice as she sang to him. The heartbreak as she realized her time with him was almost over was excruciating. A time of struggles. A time of triumph and joy.

Through all of this I have been there for her. Her rock. Her mainstay. Her protector. So grateful to be her mother. So grateful to learn with her and from her.

And now it is all changing. In two weeks my Kalina will join with her sweetheart in a bond that creates a new family. As her role shifts, so does mine. She has found the love of her life. From here on out she turns to him as her support and protector. And together with God they grow and move forward. I, no more the main support, will watch them in their journey. Yet I am still there for them, in a different role - that of advisor and main cheerleader, supporting from afar, sharing when asked, as they embrace their new path in life. And what a day that will be. A day of letting go. A day of joy!


Letting Go

I heard you cry, I held you close,
my sunshine girl who fills my life with joy.

This day had been the day I dreamed of for such a long time:
Ever since I was a little girl and watched my mama rock my brothers to sleep.
Oh how I longed to be a mama!
Rejoicing that you were there.

I watched you grow and take control,
becoming the woman that you are.
And my heart sings, and my heart aches,
for I know that we will never go this way again.

Embrace the joy!
Embrace the grief.
Is this how Mother and Father above felt as they let me go?
How my own mother felt as I flew the nest?

It's meant to be!
I know this fully well.
Yet somewhere deep inside of me I mourn the change.
And then rejoice and see you grow,
as you step into the woman you are meant to be.

This time is yours!
For you and God.
And you and him.
The grief dispels and I rejoice.


  -- Colette Hudgins 2/14/17

Love! Joy! There are no coincidences!

Sometime in the last two years, I came to a realization. Somewhere in my childhood, an experience, or several more after that, caused me to choose not to feel deeply. Why on earth would I want to feel deeply after all? It opened me up to be hurt by others. So I started building a wall. Subconsciously, albeit, yet the wall was created. I would push away my emotions, and "soldier on" with life, valiantly (or so I thought). This is a natural thing. We all have done it, in one way or another. Yet my realization, was that while I wasn't allowing myself to deeply feel the pain, I also wasn't allowing myself to deeply feel the joy. And as that happened, I was left feeling like something was missing. An intricate part of me. I started digging, focusing more on myself, truly analyzing what my feelings were as I went through life's experiences.  

God's miracle!

And life gave me many experiences to learn. Probably the one that helped me learn the most in preparation for the time of Austen's birth was when I miscarried Gideon. I had discovered, during Kalina's pregnancy, that I was pregnant too. I was torn - how do I share this time of  joy, that a new baby would be joining our home with my daughter who was preparing to place her own beautiful son in someone else's arms? In the past I had shared the joy of my pregnancies with my children fairly early, so they could connect with and rejoice in a new baby with me. This time, it was different. I was afraid that Kalina might feel devastated. I was afraid it might make things more difficult for her. And then, there was the possibility that it actually might help her to have a little brother in the home about the same age as her boy. I pondered and prayed on what I should do, and held my secret close.

And then it happened. I started to feel the cramping, see the spotting. No! This can't happen now! I knew the signs - just over a year before I had experienced them. I went running in to my husband.

"Ben, I need a blessing right now."  -- in our church, men who live up to a standard of worthiness set are able to have the priesthood and give priesthood blessings. These blessings, we believe, are directly from God, yet the men are the mouthpieces. Ben has told me before that when he gives these blessings, visions and images come to him that he then conveys to the person receiving the blessing in his words. Sometimes he blesses that a person might be healed. Sometimes not. But every time, comfort and love is felt.

He agreed. He laid his hands upon my head. Calling me by name, he told me that this beautiful spirit who had been in our home for a short time was not meant to come at this point. He had been there for the time he needed to be there. And now it was time for him to go. Yet he would always be grateful to me and call me mother.

Wilson family

As I listened to Ben's words, sobs broke out. Yet through the grief and sadness of losing my boy, I felt such joy! I was so grateful for our short time together! So grateful that he had chosen ME! So grateful for the love and excitement he had given me for the short time I had born him.  I felt comfort and joy, in the midst of the grief. It seemed like such a crazy combination, but that was exactly what it was. And the joy gave value to a beautiful boy who had been a part of my life, albeit for only a few months. I felt it important to share what had happened with my family - so they could understand.

About eight weeks later, came the time for Kalina to give birth. As I watched my firstborn go through the age old process that countless women had experienced over the years, I was so proud of her. Through the struggle of the labor, she triumphed. And an exquisite manifestation of God's love entered this world.  He came amidst much joy and sorrow. Joy for his birth! Joy that his family was there waiting with open arms. Joy for the miracle that we all experienced, the miracle of birth. Yet sorrow also prevailed. Sorrow that he would not remain with us. Sorrow that we wouldn't see him every day. Sorrow that he would be so far away.

There are no coincidences. I am so very grateful that Gideon came into my life when he did - for because of him, I was able to truly connect with my daughter and her experience of letting her son go. There are no coincidences. Because I allowed myself to truly feel - feel joy and sorrow in my time with Gideon, I opened myself up to feeling Austen and his spirit. At the time of his birth, I embraced our little boy and cherished every moment I had with him. I am grateful.

Kalina, Melanee and Kyle, Westen, Branden and Austen

Today is one year to the day that Austen Helam came into this world. I sit here reminiscing, memories flooding my mind. And I feel such joy! Happy birthday Austen! Happy mother's day, Kalina! Happy parents' day Melanee and Branden! While the entire experience has brought much heartache, joy outweighs it all, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world! For the experience has made my daughter into the woman that she is. It has made me into the matriarch that I am. I am closer to my daughter than I ever could have been. And it brought an amazing family from Utah into my life that I now consider family. And I smile. God is good! He is in charge. It's all about love! It's all about joy! There are no coincidences.

It's about Family! It's about Love!

My youngest son

Family

A sacred institution created by God

Brother, sister, father, mother,

aunt, uncle, grandpa, grandma,

niece, nephew, son, daughter.

 

Family

It’s all about love.

It’s all about joy.

It’s all about connections.

It’s  all about forever.

Family

We came here to earth to support and to grow

We came here to earth to experience and love

We came here to earth to learn and inspire

We came here to earth to make a difference.

 
So life goes on. Our beautiful baby Austen Helam is now almost eleven months old. Melanee has been a champ at sharing videos, photos, and special little moments with us all.

My grandson

I am so grateful for her and her willingness to do so. It seems surreal that I have a grandson. We live so far away, and I've only been able to see him a few times in person. Yet the truth is, that I am a grandmother. And I love that little boy so much.

 As I gaze at the pictures of our little boy, I see so many similarities between him and my own children.

The cheeky smile.
The bright blue eyes.
The curly hair.
The excitement for the big outdoors.
His love for splashing in the water.

It fills me with joy to see so much of our family in him.

Yet at the same time, he is definitely a Wilson. He looks just like his daddy. The way he plays rough and tumble with his brothers. The squeal of delight. All of this brings me such joy. And I am reminded that he is in the right place.

It's All About Love

Open adoption. That was a new concept for me. But I knew that Kalina wanted to be in contact with her baby. I did too. This was my very first grandchild - and I struggled with the fact that I could possibly lose him right after meeting him for the first time. I had heard so many stories of difficulties in open adoptions; struggles between the birth family and adoptive family, which ultimately left the child feeling empty in the end. But I had also heard stories of beautiful moments, when birth mothers and their children were reunited. So I kept my mind open. Besides, it wasn't my choice. We went to Utah in July, and met Melanee, Branden and their two boys. Spending time with them gave me comfort. I saw pictures on their walls of their family, as well as their birth mothers. And I felt the love that they had to offer. So I trusted in the inspiration my daughter had received from Heavenly Father. And I trusted in God. But it wasn't always easy.

We Skyped over the next few months. Kalina shared ultrasound pictures with them. We felt the confirmation over and over that this was the family that Kalina's baby should be placed in. And the birth approached. Then came the day that Kalina broke down. Her baby was due to be born within a couple of weeks. She had been brave for so long, knowing that God wanted her to place her baby with the Wilson family. I remember it clearly. She came in and sat on my bed. She was sobbing. "Mom. I don't want to lose him! He's been with me for so long, every second of the day! I just want to be selfish and keep him for myself!" I listened as she cried. After a little while, she had calmed down a bit, and I shared "Kalina, you could always change your mind. It isn't the first time that a birth mother has done so. Sure the Wilson family would be disappointed, but it is a possibility. But before you make the final decision, think back on the feeling that you got when God confirmed to you that Helam (that was what she called him) was to be part of Melanee and Branden's family. You made that decision because you love him so much! Pray about it. Be open to God's answer, but always know that should you decide to keep him no one would condemn the decision."

Kalina prayed and received the peace and confirmation that all would be well. Peace flooded her body and mind that she wasn't losing her baby, but instead, gaining a family. The time passed quickly, and suddenly it was time to go to the hospital. Branden and Melanee flew in the day Kalina went into the hospital. Kalina's labor was long and tiring. But she rallied like a champ. I was there the whole time. It was a bittersweet moment watching my oldest bring a baby into this world. Labor isn't easy, and I just wanted to take it all away from her. But I couldn't. It wasn't mine to experience. Kalina worked hard, and seventeen hours later she delivered a beautiful baby boy. She was age seventeen. He was perfect. Melanee was able to be in the room with us, to see her boy come into the world.

Once Austen Helam was born, Kalina had 48 hours. Forty eight hours to love and hug her boy, to hold him close. Forty eight hours to give him all the love that she had pent up inside. The time passed quickly. A friend came and took pictures with him, creating special memories for Kalina. And before we even realized it, forty eight hours was up. The last day, Melanee and Branden left the hospital so that we could spend special time with our little boy. Kalina sat and rocked him. She sang to him. She whispered how much she loves him. Then the nurse walked in. She said if we were ready, that we could leave the hospital within the next thirty minutes, and they would have Wilsons pick up Austen then. Hearing those words was like being punched in the stomach. Kalina wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Tears filled our eyes. As the nurse looked over, she told us we could take as long as we needed. There was no rush. Thankfully, we closed the door behind her. Kalina held Austen tightly. And we wept. We cried for broken dreams, unmet expectations. We cried for that which would never be. We wept. Kalina sat and held her boy to her heart. Her mother love was so strong in that moment. For two hours we sat together. Finally Kalina said "I'm ready." She insisted on waiting until the Wilsons came. She wanted to place her boy into their arms.

We all left the hospital together. Kalina in the wheelchair with Austen in her arms, Melanee walking along side. At the curb outside, Kalina tearfully placed Austen into Branden's arms, so he could be buckled into this carseat. Then we left in our car and they left in theirs. Kalina sobbed the whole way home. I cried right along with her. We were happy that Austen had his forever family. We were heartbroken that he wouldn't be with us. But is was meant to be.

That night was probably the most difficult for Kalina. For the first time in months, she didn't have Austen with her. I checked in on her from time to time. And I couldn't sleep. Early in the morning I awoke. My heart was on fire. I was heartsick for my baby girl who was now so grown up. And I wrote this entry in my journal for her, for me, and for anyone who ever might have lost a child...

Austen first few days

  -- Monday my beautiful 17 year old daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby boy - Austen Helam. Helam is a name that he revealed to her as she connected with him. His names mean Majestic and Stronghold. He is a majestic stronghold. Kalina's midwife's name is Evelyn. It means wished for child. Her nurses during labor and delivery were Katy and Karen. Both those names mean pure. Kalina means pure love. Kalina went through 17 hours of labor, most of it back labor. Yesterday she signed the final
paperwork to place this beautiful boy into a loving home where he will have a father and mother, sealed in the temple, who will raise him in the gospel and teach him to be a righteous priesthood holder. It has been a bittersweet time. A time of joy. A time of mourning. The mourning has been so painful. However, it is always darkest before the dawn. Interesting, Kalina's nurses when she was released, who gave us an extra hour with Helam before it was time to go, were named Rosy and Aurora - bright dawn. I wrote this poem this morning. I wanted to share.

It’s always darkest before the dawn

My baby, my baby you came from above
From Heavenly parents who wrapped you in love
They hugged you and kissed you and then let you go
To spend precious moments on terra below.

My baby dear baby, I struggled for you
I paced and I labored, my vision was true.
Through valley of shadow of death I did go
To bring you my darling to this earth below.

And once here my darling, I cuddled you near
I rocked you and kissed you and loved you so dear
Our hearts beat together in rhythm so true
In that sacred space which was made just for you.

Then too soon my baby it came time to part
My tears fell unchecked as a hole filled my heart.
My heart yearns to see you and hold you so tight.
The day drags on slowly and endless the night.

And then the dawn breaks, there is hope for me here.
As love floods my being there’s nothing to fear.
The angels surround me and comfort my soul.
As God’s love enfolds me, I finally am whole.

My baby, my baby, I love you so dear
Inside me I feel you, God’s presence is near.
In dreams I still rock you and hold you so tight
And pray silent wishes for you every night.
               
                         -- Colette Hudgins 10/09/15