Letting go...

"Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay." - Dalai Lama

Motherhood. The Struggles. The Triumphs. So much like Open Adoption.

Every since I remember I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to love and hold and guide and protect. My mother tells me it started very early. She shared of a day when my sister, who is sixteen months younger than me started crying and Mom didn't respond right away. I hurried back into my mother's bedroom where my sister was in her bassinet, which was really an oversized "moses basket". My mother said that she noticed that my sister stopped crying and went to peek in where she found me in the basket with my sister on my lap. She says she will never know how on earth I got into that basket without tipping it.

I remember the day Kalina was born so clearly, this beautiful girl who made me a mother. My labor was such that I felt I was being made to do this someone else's way, not what I wanted. It was not my ideal birth story, yet that didn't matter. I cradled her close to me. A day of struggle and pain. A day of joy.

I remember the first night we were home together as a family. The overstimulation of the day had gotten to Kalina. She cried and cried and cried. I tried everything I could imagine to help her out - feed her, change her diaper, swaddle her - but she would have none of it. Finally, exhausted, I handed her to my husband. He walked the floor with her for a bit, then finally laid her on his chest, and talked and sang to her. With that, she promptly fell asleep, nestled on her daddy. I watched her sleep, love welling up uncontrollably. A night of turmoil and frustration. A night of peace and joy.

I remember when she became a big sister. How she loved her baby brother! She was only 20 months old, but already she was a little mama. A few days into it, I remember having laid Kendrick down for a nap and was down the hall in the kitchen getting something to eat. I heard Kendrick starting to scream, and the sound just got closer, and as I turned to where it all was coming from saw Kalina walking down the hall with her baby brother dangling in her arms. He, desperate for help - she intent on giving it. Her intentions were so pure! Amidst my worry for my son, laughter bubbled up inside as I saw her eagerness to love. A day of anxiety and laughter. A day of joy.

I remember other milestones. First lost tooth. First Halloween to go trick or treating on her own. First dance. First date. I remember the day she broke the news about her pregnancy, tears of fear streaming down her face. I remember the day she told me she had decided to place her precious boy for adoption. I remember the day she broke down, fearing her own decision.  Many hugs and kisses shared. Many tears mingled with hers. These were days of struggles. Days of joy.

I remember the day she gave birth. Her labor was not easy. Her disposition courageous. The joy on her face as she saw him for the first time was exhilirating. The beautiful way she nursed him in the hospital, taking care of his every need. The love in her voice as she sang to him. The heartbreak as she realized her time with him was almost over was excruciating. A time of struggles. A time of triumph and joy.

Through all of this I have been there for her. Her rock. Her mainstay. Her protector. So grateful to be her mother. So grateful to learn with her and from her.

And now it is all changing. In two weeks my Kalina will join with her sweetheart in a bond that creates a new family. As her role shifts, so does mine. She has found the love of her life. From here on out she turns to him as her support and protector. And together with God they grow and move forward. I, no more the main support, will watch them in their journey. Yet I am still there for them, in a different role - that of advisor and main cheerleader, supporting from afar, sharing when asked, as they embrace their new path in life. And what a day that will be. A day of letting go. A day of joy!


Letting Go

I heard you cry, I held you close,
my sunshine girl who fills my life with joy.

This day had been the day I dreamed of for such a long time:
Ever since I was a little girl and watched my mama rock my brothers to sleep.
Oh how I longed to be a mama!
Rejoicing that you were there.

I watched you grow and take control,
becoming the woman that you are.
And my heart sings, and my heart aches,
for I know that we will never go this way again.

Embrace the joy!
Embrace the grief.
Is this how Mother and Father above felt as they let me go?
How my own mother felt as I flew the nest?

It's meant to be!
I know this fully well.
Yet somewhere deep inside of me I mourn the change.
And then rejoice and see you grow,
as you step into the woman you are meant to be.

This time is yours!
For you and God.
And you and him.
The grief dispels and I rejoice.


  -- Colette Hudgins 2/14/17