Working On It! :D

Hey all you blog readers! I know I haven't posted for some time, but I promise you, I'm working on my next blog post! I've been super busy with school, drivers ed, family, church activities, chores, spring cleaning, and traveling that I haven't been able to work on my post! Within the next week, I will have posted (hopefully twice!), and bring you more of my story! In other news, Austen, my baby, is getting sealed and blessed next week! I'm super excited for the Wilsons! And I'm super excited to go and see them and be there for the blessing! Austen is growing so much! He is 6 months today, and apparently has giant feet (thanks to having two large footed birth-parents). I get pictures and updates every so often, and I love seeing him grow! Anyway, I've gone on a tangent. I will have at least one post by next week. Thank you all for reading my story, and sharing! It's a huge blessing that I am able to share my story with the many people who will read it! Don't be afraid to voice your comments! I am open to answering questions as well! Love all of you!

Trust in the Lord

Kalina came running in to me. "Mom, mom! I found them! I found the family for my baby!"

Feelings jumbled inside me. Excitement. A little bit of trepidation. How would this work? This open adoption thing? Would they be willing to accept my daughter into their lives along with her baby? What would that mean to her baby?

"Tell me about it! Who are they? Where do they live? How do you know?"

"You remember when I first started searching? I saved a couple of profiles. Today I felt like going back to them, and as I looked at this family's video I felt so connected to them. So I prayed and asked Heavenly Father just like you said, and he said - you already know they are the family! Come and see the video!"

She took me to a video that Melanee and Branden had created. The first thing that struck me in it all was the importance of family in their life. Not just their immediate family, but also their extended family and even adoptive family. They shared about their first son's birth mother freely. She was a part of their lives. She was "part of their family" even though there was no blood relation. This meant a lot to me. And as we watched, I could feel the spirit touch my heart, confirming my daughter's decision.

Kalina sat down and made a phone call right away to the number in the contact information. It only allowed her to leave a message, so she did so, the went to email where she composed a sweet message and sent it to them. Very soon she heard back from them. In their email they let Kalina know they had recently (within the last month) adopted a little boy, and if it made a difference they would completely understand. She and I looked at each other. Why would that make a difference? Heavenly Father had answered her prayer - her baby was supposed to go to them. As long as they also felt it, she would proceed on the Lord's agenda. They were located in Utah and since Ben was there on business at the time, we arranged for him to go over and meet with Branden who was home with their new baby, K. Ben called back later, sharing that he really enjoyed his time with Branden.

Over the next few months we skyped each other a few times. During the summer we took a trip to Utah to see family and met Melanee and Branden in person, along with their two little boys. It was good that Kalina knew what direction she was taking. It gave her a purpose. Something to focus on at a time when she needed it. And still we wondered - how will this work? But it was okay. We had received confirmation that this was the right answer. We would live by trust. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5-6) God was in control. All would be well.

Another Brother - Adoptive Family Perspective

My name is Melanee. I am Austen's Adoptive Mother and this post documents what was happening in our lives during the same time period of Kalina's last post - from the time she first saw our profile in April 2015 to the moment she contacted our family in May.

In early 2015, our family had been waiting in the adoption process for about 2 years. We had an adoption blog, a video helping people get to know our family, and a profile on adoption.com. Our son Westen was 3 years old and we had had many interactions with potential birth parents. For various reasons (some positive and some heart-breaking), all of those placements didn’t occur. 

In April, around the time that Kalina found our profile on adoption.com, we were unexpectedly adopting our second son, Kyle, from Michigan. A young lady from Michigan, named Bethany, had moved across the country on her own to Arizona. When she arrived, totally alone, she found some LDS neighbor girls who took her in and befriended her. They took her at Christmas-time to the Mesa Temple to see the Christmas lights. There, she met two sister missionaries who began teaching her the gospel. A few short months later she was baptized. Soon she made a mistake and became pregnant and decided to move back home to Michigan to be near her family. When she moved, her records transferred to her new ward in Michigan and there, Bishop Eric and Sister Trish Andrew felt an immediate connection to her and her baby and tried her entire pregnancy to look out for her and encourage her to consider adoption. Trish talked often to her daughter, Caitlin, in Utah about Bethany and her situation. Caitlin asked her bishop and Stake President if they were interested in adopting Bethany’s baby, but they both had recently adopted and they passed along OUR names!! Caitlin and Trish shared our blog, profile and videos with Bethany, but it wasn’t until after she gave birth that adoption felt like the right option to her. A call came to me on a Friday morning from that Caitlin that they had received our info a few months prior from her Stake President and that there was a birth mother in Michigan who was being discharged from the hospital and needed a family that could come to Michigan THAT DAY to adopt her baby boy! Our life was in blissful chaos for the next few weeks. We frantically made arrangements with the hospital in Michigan, our attorney, our travel agent, and the birth family & her bishop’s family. We spent two weeks in Michigan at the birth mother’s sweet bishop’s house. We later discovered that Westen's birth mom's friend was one of the missionaries that brought Kyle's birth mom to baptism! There were many other beautiful tender mercies along the way that helped us know Kyle was meant for our family. 

Kalina mentioned in her previous post that when she first saw our profile, “I felt like I had to consider them, but that right then wasn’t the time”. It’s clear to see now why she didn’t feel right about contacting us right away. We were in the middle of another adoption and if she had contacted us then, the outcome may have been very different. Instead, she listened to her feeling to hold off on contacting us.

  

Two more short weeks after we brought Kyle home, Westen and I joined Branden’s family on a long-before-planned Disneyland trip. Branden took time off of work and stayed home with baby Kyle. We were nearing the end of our trip when we all returned to our hotel to let Westen and his young cousins rest from the fun of the morning. I laid down to read my book on my phone and as anyone who has ever been hoping to adopt knows, you check your adoption email every 30 minutes or every time you pick up your phone – whichever comes first. Even though we had just adopted, the habit hadn’t yet died. So, I checked my adoption email and noticed we had a new message. I almost fell off of the bed.

Kalina introduced herself and said she knew we were supposed to be her baby’s family and that her dad was in Utah that afternoon for work and wanted to meet us. I immediately started freaking out. How could this be happening now?! I immediately called Branden (who, remember, is holding a 4 week old preemie baby in his arms) and read him the email. In true Branden fashion, he calmly said, just email her back and tell her ‘thanks for thinking of us, we just adopted a baby a few weeks ago and understand if you would like to choose another family’.  He was sure she would want to choose another family and that would be the end of the situation. So, I emailed her something to that effect and she immediately responded with her conviction that we were the right family for her baby and her attitude about us already having a baby seemed to be ‘the-more-the-merrier’. Mouths dropped open in Utah and in California. Now what?! So, next step was for Branden to make arrangements with Kalina’s dad, Ben, to come to our house to meet Branden and Kyle. Meanwhile, Branden’s family and I pretended not to be totally pre-occupied with the thought of ANOTHER baby BOY and anxiously awaited to hear how Branden’s visit with Ben went while we strolled Disneyland for the evening. Branden told us the visit went great and he could tell that Kalina had a wonderful family. 

We had so many thoughts: ‘We have a tiny baby at home, how can we adopt another baby’, ‘But her conviction is so strong, maybe it could be the right thing’, ‘we’ve been waiting to grow our family and hoped and prayed for babies, how can we not seriously consider this’. Ultimately, we knew we had to receive an answer for ourselves if this was the right situation for our family. So, we moved forward with the hope that we would understand the Lord’s timing – “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5-6)   

Meeting the Family!

As I searched through adoption websites, I kept thinking, there are so many couples, each one hoping for an email from a birth mother who was willing to place her child with them, and I'm supposed to choose only one? It felt impossible. My mom told me I should ask God to help me know without a doubt which family my baby should be placed in. I remember searching, looking at pictures, asking God, "Is this the family?"I didn't know how long it would take me to find the family, but I knew that I would find them. I knew that whoever the family was would be able to adopt my baby without problems.

Branden, Melanee, and Westen

Sometime later, probably April, I was looking at Adoption.com, and I came across a family that had a 3 year old boy and lived in Utah. They had caught my eye because they were the first family I looked at that didn't say anything about cats -which I'm allergic to- in their profile (later I found out they had 2). I felt like I had to consider them, but that right then wasn't the time. I saved their name, and another family who lived in Texas, and told myself that I would look at the families again. Every day, I would look at the place I saved the names, but it wasn't until a month later that I actually looked at the family's profile again. I felt really good about the family in Utah, but I wanted God's confirmation. I prayed to God, and asked him if the family in Utah was the right place for my baby. I remember that right after ending the prayer, I heard a voice in my head say to me, "You already know this is the family." I was blown away. I immediately called my mom over, and almost couldn't help myself from yelling out "I found the family!"

Right after adopting Kyle

When I first called the family, I was so scared! I didn't know what I was going to say or how they were going to react. They ended up not answering the phone, but I left a message and sent them an email. A little more than 3 hours later they responded. Branden and Melanee wanted me to know that they had adopted another little boy, Kyle, only a month before, which was when I had first spotted their profile! They wanted me to know that they would still love to adopt, but wanted me to know all the details first. That didn't change the confirmation I had received from God. I knew they were to be my baby's parents. At that time, my dad was in Utah, pretty close to where they lived. I suggested my dad go over to talk with them, and they agreed. Dad went over and met Branden, and when he got back home, told me he enjoyed talking with him.

Dinosaur Museum Fun

For weeks, we emailed back and forth, learning more about one another and preparing to meet. I got to know Branden, Melanee, and Westen (Kyle was a little too young). We even Skyped each other once, and that summer, I met them face to face. I stayed with them for a couple of days, and we got to know each other better. We went to the Dinosaur museum, and had fun watching Westen "dig for dinosaur bones." During the visit, my baby was kicking up a storm, as if to say, You chose right, Mom! He even decided to kick while Branden and Melanee tried to feel him, and scared Branden out of his wits!

During my visit, and even after leaving, I had a warm and calm feeling about this family. I knew, even though it meant giving my baby up, that adoption was the right thing for me to do. I owed it to my child to give him a wonderful family, the family that God meant for him to be with.

In God We Trust

As Kalina's pregnancy progressed, I found that she would come to me time and again, frustrated with something that was going on. These were times that I was very grateful for, as they became opportunities to connect with her and to teach her, for I had experienced many times in my life when frustration was predominant.

ARP 12 Steps

 During what was the most frustrating point in my life, I was guided to a recovery manual that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints uses in their Addiction Recovery Program. It is based upon AA 12 steps program. I was at a point in my life where things were completely out of control. I felt completely helpless, like there was no hope to be had. With eight children under the age of 13 and pregnant with my ninth, I felt completely alone. My children are headstrong, with minds of their own. The house was in chaos. My emotions were out of control. My husband was working all the time. I would swing back and forth between hiding in my closet, sobbing over and over “Why Heavenly Father? Why me?” and hunting down my children, frustrated and mad at them that they wouldn’t help out. I yelled at them because they wouldn’t do their chores. Then I would go on a crazy cleaning spree, where I was working alone, because all my children were hiding, grumbling under my breath that I was the only one who ever did anything around the house. I rarely made much of a dent in the chaos, since the younger ones were always one step ahead of me, pulling things out, writing on walls, adding to the mayhem. My life at that time was literally out of control. God started prompting me to use the manual. Finally I did, going through each exercise; pondering each quote; reflecting on how it applied to my situation. As I went through it, I replaced the word addictions with weaknesses, for I truly felt weak. We all have that which we cannot do on our own. (Please know that I am not making light of addictions in any way). The key message of it all? When your life is out of control, and you don’t know where to turn, turn to God. Hand Him your burdens and then walk hand in hand with Him as you examine your life, where you are, and what you DO have control over. Then make changes in the parts that are yours to change. And through the grace of Jesus Christ, and with Him at your side, you are successful beyond your wildest dreams. 

painting by Yong Sung Kim

This was what I turned to as Kalina came to me with her frustrations. It seemed that her triggers were all situations she couldn’t control, so it just made sense. Kalina started working through the program with me, focusing on the fact that she couldn't control her life, but that there was someone greater than her who could. Little by little, the frustrations that kept popping up started to be replaced by love, understanding, and patience. She started to look at others with more understanding and tolerance. But the greatest change that came to her was when she allowed the process to apply to herself. Slowly, she began to forgive herself for making choices that she had been taught would bring about negative consequences. She began to understand that Christ is there for every single one of us in ALL of our difficulties and choices. She started to understand that Christ isn't there to take away the consequences of our actions, but with Him we can make it through those consequences, whether they are good or bad. Christ gave His life, and suffered for all of us so that we could all have a new chance at life. His only requirement is that we reach up and take His hand. And He makes up the difference. He does that which we cannot do. We are not expected to be perfect in this life, just do the best that we can every day of our life. Our best one day is not always the same as another day. That is okay. With Christ by our side, we are made perfect in the moment. And so it was with Kalina.

Normal teenager? I don't think so...

I think being pregnant as a teenager really reminds you that you shouldn't take things for granted. I remember thinking, What was I thinking? I'm only 16! How can I ever GIVE BIRTH to a baby? I had just wanted to be a normal teenager, with normal problems. I wanted my problems to be what I was going to wear for a date, not what was going to trigger nausea. When my family and I started seeing Counselor (using my moms word), I began to see things more clearly. Sometimes I'd come home from church, mutual, or counseling, and just cry for absolutely no reason. I honestly hated myself for making the choice to break the law of chastity, for making my own life miserable, and I didn't know how to change it.

Going on a group date!

Along with struggling with myself, I struggled around my friends. Before I told them, however, I went on one date. During the date, it was so hard to not continually think how different the situation would be in a couple months, when I started showing. But at times, I was able to put the though out of my mind, and I enjoyed myself. I remember thinking, I hope they will accept me for who I am, not reject me because of what I've done.

When I told them, they all accepted that it happened, and they all completely accepted me. But the hardship was still there. I couldn't honestly be myself, because I hadn't been myself for so long. I felt like I should be an outcast. I felt different from the others. Like I was placing myself outside of their circle.I couldn't talk to them about school, because I was home-schooled. I couldn't talk to them about the feeling of the temple, because I hadn't been able to go for months. I felt we had nothing in common. But as time passed, I came out of that shell of who I used to be. I began to really get to know my friends and my teachers. As I continued to go to seminary, church, and mutual, I began to feel more like I was still just a normal teenager, even though I was the only teenager there who was pregnant. And along with seeing myself in my peers, I also saw them in me. I saw some of them in their own struggles. I saw them in their own joys. And I saw them push through. It helped me to keep my head in the right place.

Not the best picture, but me and my sister

In seminary, I was welcomed every day with a smile and kind words, especially when I was having a bad day. Each of my peers would tell me how strong I was, and how much they admired me for continuing with my church studies and not letting my situation get me down. Even a couple of guys decided to ask my seminary teacher what I was craving during the last couple months, and said they would make it for me! They never did, but knowing that I was thought of really helped me to continue to go to each activity and meeting I was asked to go to. I even went to a church camp, and had an amazing and spiritual time!

My fricken awesome seminary class!

Along with telling my friends and teachers about my pregnancy, I also told my siblings. It was only a matter of time before they found out anyway. I started by telling my 15 year-old brother. He didn't really say anything, except, "Is that why you dropped out of school?" I later found out that he wanted me to be safe, and that he was very protective of me. When I told my 13 year-old sister and my 11 year-old sister, they were just in shock. The 11 year-old asked "How did this happen?" and the 13 year-old just sat there with a confused look on her face. Next was my 9 year-old brother, and he just sat there with a goofy look on his face, not quite understanding but also trying to make the best of the situation. My 8 year-old brother also didn't quite understand, and my 7 year-old brother and 5 and 3 year old sisters just knew that "There's a baby in there!" During the pregnancy, each of my siblings used their special talents to help me. I learned so much from each of them every day. And somewhere in the midst of all this, I found the adoptive family.

Reconciling Kalina's decision with my heart

Even while I gave my daughter all her options, in the back of my mind, I was troubled. What would happen to the baby? Would the baby be alright? What about Kalina? This was my first grandchild! How could I live with not knowing that precious child was okay? How could I live with not being able to teach this child the values and principles that I hold so dear? I never imagined that my first grandchild would come in this manner. But one thing I knew for sure. This baby was my blood. I didn’t want to lose the baby! So I took it to God, while allowing my daughter to ponder on her choice.

God blessed me with comfort. And answers. “All is well. Kalina will be fine. The baby will be fine. Don’t forget. Every difficult experience we have in life is for our good. It makes us stronger. Search for the lessons to be learned. You have been through challenges in the past. These lessons are yours to share with Kalina as she traverses this time in her life.  This experience will mold her into the person that she is meant to be.”

God also gave me Counselor.  She believed therapy was for the entire family, with Kalina as the focus. And since Kalina felt comfortable with having me there, I attended most of the sessions with her. Some of her sessions were individual, but most included at least mom, usually dad and occasionally a sibling or two. She took the time to connect with each of us. I soon found out that we actually had a common bond – she was mother to nine children, her oldest daughter having had a baby out of wedlock. This baby had been placed for adoption. This was a comfort to me, knowing that Counselor knew what we were going through as a family. She was also a member of our church, which gave us more common ground.

Counselor got to the root of the matter. “Kalina, you have some difficult decisions to be make. Let’s go through options that you have.” She mirrored the choices that I had listed. And reminded us of something important. “There are many couples who long for a family, but for one reason or another are unable to have their own children. The only way they are able to do so is through adoption.”

My mind flashed back to the beginning of my marriage. I knew that longing! At least a small measure of it. We had planned on waiting to have children. Everyone said “Enjoy your time together! There is time!” The first few months we followed their advice. But deep inside of me, there was a hole. It needed to be filled. I was meant to be a mother. It was my dream, my destiny. In my heart an empty space pulsed where my child was meant to be. And it wasn’t until my firstborn arrived that the hunger was satiated. I would never inflict that hole on anyone!

Counselor continued. “There are different types of adoption. There are closed and open adoptions. Kalina, it is your choice which kind you would like. Open adoptions allow you to continue to have interactions with the baby. Closed, you have no contact with the baby.” Kalina straight away identified that should she choose adoption, it would definitely be an open adoption.

About a week later, I was talking to Kalina and asked her if she had any inklings what route to take. I assured her that she had time to decide. The baby wouldn't come for a while. Though I did advise her to not put off the decision. The sooner she decided, the more focused she could be on where she was going. "Actually, I know what I need to do. I feel like adoption is the answer. An open adoption.  I want to bless the lives of someone who is meant to have my baby. I truly care about "the guy" but I honestly can't see it working out between us. We are young. Not ready to be parents. And if you adopted the baby, it would just be too close for me." I admit, I was a bit disappointed she hadn't chosen her dad and I to adopt the baby. But it made sense. And I was proud of her for her selflessness. She would be an instrument in God's hand as she filled the gap in a family.