In the Beginning...

The biggest moment in my life (so far) has been the moment I went forgot everything. I forgot how to read, I forgot how to spell. I even forgot my own name for a minute! It was as if I went completely brain dead except for the one thing. The two lines on the one stick. The pregnancy test that read positive. The second pregnancy test that read positive. I didn't know what to think. Then it all came. The moment of dread, fear, disbelief, and so many other emotions.

I have been LDS my whole life, and for years I never thought I would ever do anything that would pull me away from it. But, the devil has a way of making us believe we're still following the right path even if we're doing the complete opposite. It must have started when I went into 8th grade. Long story short, I found the wrong group of friends to hang out with. I'd disregard the rules my parents set on dating.

Fast-forward to freshman year of high school. 14 years old, and thought I was dating guys, just like any other person in high school. But I was depressed, numb, and miserable. Fast-forward again to sophomore year. We'd moved to Texas, and I had to start at a new school again. I still had my "boyfriend" of 1 year, but long-distance didn't work. I didn't know what was going on with me. When I was diagnosed with diabetes in April of 2014, I thought my mood-swings and depression was because of that. Fast forward one more time to Summer 2014, when we moved to another place in Texas. I had moved away from my friends again. I was even more depressed and miserable and numb than I ever thought I could be. I met a guy who helped us move into our house, and I thought he was nice, and kinda cute. He was also LDS, but a convert. (we'll call him "the guy"). We became friends, and we talked, but I didn't think anything would become of it. All in all, my life was kinda messed up. Little did I know my life was about to take an unexpected turn.

At the end of October 2014, I started dating "the guy". Things quickly became more physical than I had ever planned, and I crossed the line. I never believed I would get into a predicament where I would break the law of Chastity. I had vowed to not break it, but I did. When I did, I knew I was in the wrong, but I was in too deep. I believed I couldn't get out. We were not careful, except for the few times I was "sane" enough to tell him we were going to be. He liked to tell me that if I did get pregnant, he'd always be there for me, that we'd get married, etc etc. I even remember thinking, "Would it really matter if I got pregnant?" I should have known then that I was not where I should have been. But my feelings were buried so deep, I couldn't feel almost anything. It got to the point where I would sneak out at night to see him, and during the day, I'd tell my parents I was going running, but I would really meet up with him.

In the beginning of our relationship, we never fought. Then, a few fights would break out, but nothing that wouldn't blow over. But one night, sometime in November, I got it into my brain that this relationship was not good. I tried to break up with him, and we got into a huge fight. I was hurt. He was hurt. I did not want to talk to him. The next day, he apologized, and I forgave. Then in December, we fought again, another huge fight, and again he apologized, and again I forgave him. And it happened yet again in January. I wasn't learning my lesson.

And, dang, did I pay for not listening when I should have. About 2 weeks later, I was reading a positive pregnancy test. I didn't know what to do, so I called "the guy" and told him about the test. He told me to tell my parents, and that he'd tell his parents. Now, my parents are awesome. They put up with me when I was way in the wrong. They had known that I'd sneaked out, and they gave me the appropriate punishments. But they also accepted that it was my choice, and that they still loved me. When I told them I was pregnant, they accepted it, and told me they would support me in whatever I chose. At the time, I wasn't thinking about what I was going to choose. I didn't know what to do about "the guy." I knew we needed a break, but I didn't know how to tell him. My parents agreed with me when I told them I wanted a break from him.

In mid-February, I went to Idaho to help my grandparents move. "They guy" and I got into a huge fight right before I left. I didn't want to speak to him for a couple weeks. All the while, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do for this human being that was growing inside me. I remember being so upset, but pushing the emotions away or writing them out, because I didn't want this baby to feel them. I remember talking to my grandma about it, how I didn't know what I was going to do, and how I still didn't really want to believe I had gotten pregnant. She told me about her experience of being pregnant out of wedlock. It calmed me to hear that I wasn't the only person to have so many fears and thoughts.

When I was about 9 weeks, "the guy" and I talked on the phone. We had another argument, and I didn't want to talk to him again. I stayed at my grandparent's for about 2 more weeks, and went back home. My grandparents offered a place of refuge if I ever needed. I had never realized how much my family loved me until I had made a decision that they could have just as easily resented me for.Heavenly Father gave me the people he knew would love and care for me no matter what. After much prayer, I knew I was going to place my baby boy for adoption.