In God We Trust

As Kalina's pregnancy progressed, I found that she would come to me time and again, frustrated with something that was going on. These were times that I was very grateful for, as they became opportunities to connect with her and to teach her, for I had experienced many times in my life when frustration was predominant.

ARP 12 Steps

 During what was the most frustrating point in my life, I was guided to a recovery manual that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints uses in their Addiction Recovery Program. It is based upon AA 12 steps program. I was at a point in my life where things were completely out of control. I felt completely helpless, like there was no hope to be had. With eight children under the age of 13 and pregnant with my ninth, I felt completely alone. My children are headstrong, with minds of their own. The house was in chaos. My emotions were out of control. My husband was working all the time. I would swing back and forth between hiding in my closet, sobbing over and over “Why Heavenly Father? Why me?” and hunting down my children, frustrated and mad at them that they wouldn’t help out. I yelled at them because they wouldn’t do their chores. Then I would go on a crazy cleaning spree, where I was working alone, because all my children were hiding, grumbling under my breath that I was the only one who ever did anything around the house. I rarely made much of a dent in the chaos, since the younger ones were always one step ahead of me, pulling things out, writing on walls, adding to the mayhem. My life at that time was literally out of control. God started prompting me to use the manual. Finally I did, going through each exercise; pondering each quote; reflecting on how it applied to my situation. As I went through it, I replaced the word addictions with weaknesses, for I truly felt weak. We all have that which we cannot do on our own. (Please know that I am not making light of addictions in any way). The key message of it all? When your life is out of control, and you don’t know where to turn, turn to God. Hand Him your burdens and then walk hand in hand with Him as you examine your life, where you are, and what you DO have control over. Then make changes in the parts that are yours to change. And through the grace of Jesus Christ, and with Him at your side, you are successful beyond your wildest dreams. 

painting by Yong Sung Kim

This was what I turned to as Kalina came to me with her frustrations. It seemed that her triggers were all situations she couldn’t control, so it just made sense. Kalina started working through the program with me, focusing on the fact that she couldn't control her life, but that there was someone greater than her who could. Little by little, the frustrations that kept popping up started to be replaced by love, understanding, and patience. She started to look at others with more understanding and tolerance. But the greatest change that came to her was when she allowed the process to apply to herself. Slowly, she began to forgive herself for making choices that she had been taught would bring about negative consequences. She began to understand that Christ is there for every single one of us in ALL of our difficulties and choices. She started to understand that Christ isn't there to take away the consequences of our actions, but with Him we can make it through those consequences, whether they are good or bad. Christ gave His life, and suffered for all of us so that we could all have a new chance at life. His only requirement is that we reach up and take His hand. And He makes up the difference. He does that which we cannot do. We are not expected to be perfect in this life, just do the best that we can every day of our life. Our best one day is not always the same as another day. That is okay. With Christ by our side, we are made perfect in the moment. And so it was with Kalina.

Normal teenager? I don't think so...

I think being pregnant as a teenager really reminds you that you shouldn't take things for granted. I remember thinking, What was I thinking? I'm only 16! How can I ever GIVE BIRTH to a baby? I had just wanted to be a normal teenager, with normal problems. I wanted my problems to be what I was going to wear for a date, not what was going to trigger nausea. When my family and I started seeing Counselor (using my moms word), I began to see things more clearly. Sometimes I'd come home from church, mutual, or counseling, and just cry for absolutely no reason. I honestly hated myself for making the choice to break the law of chastity, for making my own life miserable, and I didn't know how to change it.

Going on a group date!

Along with struggling with myself, I struggled around my friends. Before I told them, however, I went on one date. During the date, it was so hard to not continually think how different the situation would be in a couple months, when I started showing. But at times, I was able to put the though out of my mind, and I enjoyed myself. I remember thinking, I hope they will accept me for who I am, not reject me because of what I've done.

When I told them, they all accepted that it happened, and they all completely accepted me. But the hardship was still there. I couldn't honestly be myself, because I hadn't been myself for so long. I felt like I should be an outcast. I felt different from the others. Like I was placing myself outside of their circle.I couldn't talk to them about school, because I was home-schooled. I couldn't talk to them about the feeling of the temple, because I hadn't been able to go for months. I felt we had nothing in common. But as time passed, I came out of that shell of who I used to be. I began to really get to know my friends and my teachers. As I continued to go to seminary, church, and mutual, I began to feel more like I was still just a normal teenager, even though I was the only teenager there who was pregnant. And along with seeing myself in my peers, I also saw them in me. I saw some of them in their own struggles. I saw them in their own joys. And I saw them push through. It helped me to keep my head in the right place.

Not the best picture, but me and my sister

In seminary, I was welcomed every day with a smile and kind words, especially when I was having a bad day. Each of my peers would tell me how strong I was, and how much they admired me for continuing with my church studies and not letting my situation get me down. Even a couple of guys decided to ask my seminary teacher what I was craving during the last couple months, and said they would make it for me! They never did, but knowing that I was thought of really helped me to continue to go to each activity and meeting I was asked to go to. I even went to a church camp, and had an amazing and spiritual time!

My fricken awesome seminary class!

Along with telling my friends and teachers about my pregnancy, I also told my siblings. It was only a matter of time before they found out anyway. I started by telling my 15 year-old brother. He didn't really say anything, except, "Is that why you dropped out of school?" I later found out that he wanted me to be safe, and that he was very protective of me. When I told my 13 year-old sister and my 11 year-old sister, they were just in shock. The 11 year-old asked "How did this happen?" and the 13 year-old just sat there with a confused look on her face. Next was my 9 year-old brother, and he just sat there with a goofy look on his face, not quite understanding but also trying to make the best of the situation. My 8 year-old brother also didn't quite understand, and my 7 year-old brother and 5 and 3 year old sisters just knew that "There's a baby in there!" During the pregnancy, each of my siblings used their special talents to help me. I learned so much from each of them every day. And somewhere in the midst of all this, I found the adoptive family.

Reconciling Kalina's decision with my heart

Even while I gave my daughter all her options, in the back of my mind, I was troubled. What would happen to the baby? Would the baby be alright? What about Kalina? This was my first grandchild! How could I live with not knowing that precious child was okay? How could I live with not being able to teach this child the values and principles that I hold so dear? I never imagined that my first grandchild would come in this manner. But one thing I knew for sure. This baby was my blood. I didn’t want to lose the baby! So I took it to God, while allowing my daughter to ponder on her choice.

God blessed me with comfort. And answers. “All is well. Kalina will be fine. The baby will be fine. Don’t forget. Every difficult experience we have in life is for our good. It makes us stronger. Search for the lessons to be learned. You have been through challenges in the past. These lessons are yours to share with Kalina as she traverses this time in her life.  This experience will mold her into the person that she is meant to be.”

God also gave me Counselor.  She believed therapy was for the entire family, with Kalina as the focus. And since Kalina felt comfortable with having me there, I attended most of the sessions with her. Some of her sessions were individual, but most included at least mom, usually dad and occasionally a sibling or two. She took the time to connect with each of us. I soon found out that we actually had a common bond – she was mother to nine children, her oldest daughter having had a baby out of wedlock. This baby had been placed for adoption. This was a comfort to me, knowing that Counselor knew what we were going through as a family. She was also a member of our church, which gave us more common ground.

Counselor got to the root of the matter. “Kalina, you have some difficult decisions to be make. Let’s go through options that you have.” She mirrored the choices that I had listed. And reminded us of something important. “There are many couples who long for a family, but for one reason or another are unable to have their own children. The only way they are able to do so is through adoption.”

My mind flashed back to the beginning of my marriage. I knew that longing! At least a small measure of it. We had planned on waiting to have children. Everyone said “Enjoy your time together! There is time!” The first few months we followed their advice. But deep inside of me, there was a hole. It needed to be filled. I was meant to be a mother. It was my dream, my destiny. In my heart an empty space pulsed where my child was meant to be. And it wasn’t until my firstborn arrived that the hunger was satiated. I would never inflict that hole on anyone!

Counselor continued. “There are different types of adoption. There are closed and open adoptions. Kalina, it is your choice which kind you would like. Open adoptions allow you to continue to have interactions with the baby. Closed, you have no contact with the baby.” Kalina straight away identified that should she choose adoption, it would definitely be an open adoption.

About a week later, I was talking to Kalina and asked her if she had any inklings what route to take. I assured her that she had time to decide. The baby wouldn't come for a while. Though I did advise her to not put off the decision. The sooner she decided, the more focused she could be on where she was going. "Actually, I know what I need to do. I feel like adoption is the answer. An open adoption.  I want to bless the lives of someone who is meant to have my baby. I truly care about "the guy" but I honestly can't see it working out between us. We are young. Not ready to be parents. And if you adopted the baby, it would just be too close for me." I admit, I was a bit disappointed she hadn't chosen her dad and I to adopt the baby. But it made sense. And I was proud of her for her selflessness. She would be an instrument in God's hand as she filled the gap in a family.

It All Started Here...

I remember the day like it was yesterday. Kalina came to me with dread in her eyes.

"Mom. I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do." My mind flashed back to all that we had gone through in the last 16 years of her life. This was my first born. My pride and joy. The one who was supposed to turn out like me. I had an inkling that this could happen. But I had still held my breath, praying that the possibility would never occur. And now, here it was, in front of me. This was as far away from any situation I had ever found myself in that I could imagine.

I remembered the day she was born. Even then she wanted to do things early. From day one she wanted to stand on her own. When I held her in front of me she would stiffen up her body and just stand. Not even a week old. She crawled at four and a half months. She walked at nine months. She ran soon after. She spoke so eloquently as a toddler, that a person talking to her would forget that she was three years old instead of five. When she was little she loved her babies. She loved her baby brother too, carrying him around like the little mother that she was. A foreshadowing of things to come.

As Kalina grew she became more and more independent. She wanted to do things her way. When the teenage years hit I started noticing little signs of rebellion.  I was at a loss of what to do. She wasn't listening to me anymore. I took it to God. His message was always the same "Make sure she knows that you love her. You can't control her. You just need to love her." He taught me that every person was responsible for their own actions. I knew in my heart that what He shared with me was true, for I had nine very headstrong children, and I was VERY aware of the fact that I couldn't control all of them.  My message to my children was, "We came to earth to have freedom of choice. I can't control you. That isn't the way things are supposed to be. You make your choices. And with each choice comes specific responsibility. You need to be aware of your consequences. Every choice has a consequence. There are rules to be followed. Some say rules are made to be broken. They need to remember though, that when they are broken, consequences come. Make sure you know what you are choosing." As I think back, maybe I did a lot of the talking and she tuned most of it out. But one thing she did know. Her mother loved her.

And so it went on. Praying. Trusting in God that I would reach my daughter. Break through to her. We moved several times. Honestly, I saw the signs, but I never realized how deeply Kalina had gone until somewhere around November we had a big argument. I was sick of her not listening. I was offended that she wasn't taking my advice. When I really thought about it from God's eyes, it wasn't personal. We yelled at each other. I walked away fuming. But then God put it in my mind "Apologize for getting upset." I didn't want to. Because SHE was the one at fault! SHE was the one who was breaking rules. As I calmed down, I realized that I needed to do exactly that. So I went and found her. I apologized. I explained that I had blown up because I was very concerned about her and her choices. Because I could see the consequences of those choices. I asked her forgiveness. Then I stopped and listened. She broke down in tears. "Mom. I'm not a virgin anymore." It shocked me. I put my arms around her and listened. "Mom. I don't know why I did it. I always promised myself I would save myself for marriage." I hugged her sobbing body and cried with her. "So what are you going to do now?" "I'm going to tell him that I need a break. We can't be together." I understood. I agreed with her completely. It's too hard to stay away from the temptation once you have crossed the line. I felt more at ease. I relaxed. But temptations have a way of drawing you back if you aren't continually watchful. One night I woke up in the middle of the night. I checked and found Kalina gone. A huge knot formed in my stomach. Not again! For the next few weeks thoughts crossed my mind. I continued to do everything that I could to reach Kalina. A thought came to me, that if Kalina continued on the current path, a pregnancy might occur. If that was the case, I knew right then that I was willing to adopt that baby. Especially considering the fact that my husband and I had discussed adoption in the past. Interestingly enough, as I shared that thought with my husband that night, he told me he had had the exact same thought earlier that day.

And so it was, that a short time later, my daughter and I had the above conversation.

 Mom. I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do." 

"How about we start by looking at your options. You have a few choices ahead of you. Whatever you choose I will support you in."

1. Abortion. I would never do that myself but it is a choice. A very bad one in my opinion, for to me an individual starts becoming themselves at conception and I believe strongly that each baby has the right to life, to become the beautiful person that he or she is meant to be. If the baby isn't meant to be born, nature will take its course. However each person needs to make their own choices in life.  I make no judgments on those who choose otherwise. We all live with the consequences of our choices. To my great relief she ruled this option out almost before it came up.
2. Keep the baby and raise it on your own. This would be difficult, with very little means to support herself, much less a child. Also, babies are a lot of work. Lack of sleep is huge. And then they grow up to be children. Being the oldest of nine children, Kalina already understood a lot of this.
3. Keep the baby and marry the father. This could also be difficult. They were both so young. Neither of them had steady jobs. And would they want to live on minimum wage, both of them working, just trying to make ends meet? It is possible, but also very difficult.
4. Your dad and I are willing to adopt the baby. T
his would also have its challenges. She would constantly be reminded of the fact that this was her baby, but she wasn't the one being called mom. A constant reminder of what had happened.
5. You could place the baby for adoption outside the home and bless someone who isn't able to have children. This also has its challenges. She wouldn't see her baby very often, if at all.
6. You could place the baby for adoption with family. There were possibilities here. But again, emotionally it could also be difficult.

Kalina just didn't know. And I didn't expect her to know right away. I did, however, suggest that she take a break from seeing "the guy", so that she could truly clear her head and figure herself out without being influenced one way or the other. She agreed. Grandma happened to need some help right about that time, so we sent her to Idaho to help her out for a few weeks. While she was there she helped Grandma, prayed and pondered on her situation and where she was. And there, Kalina came to a conclusion, which she felt very strongly God was moving her towards She was supposed to place the baby for adoption in a family outside of our own.

In the Beginning...

The biggest moment in my life (so far) has been the moment I went forgot everything. I forgot how to read, I forgot how to spell. I even forgot my own name for a minute! It was as if I went completely brain dead except for the one thing. The two lines on the one stick. The pregnancy test that read positive. The second pregnancy test that read positive. I didn't know what to think. Then it all came. The moment of dread, fear, disbelief, and so many other emotions.

I have been LDS my whole life, and for years I never thought I would ever do anything that would pull me away from it. But, the devil has a way of making us believe we're still following the right path even if we're doing the complete opposite. It must have started when I went into 8th grade. Long story short, I found the wrong group of friends to hang out with. I'd disregard the rules my parents set on dating.

Fast-forward to freshman year of high school. 14 years old, and thought I was dating guys, just like any other person in high school. But I was depressed, numb, and miserable. Fast-forward again to sophomore year. We'd moved to Texas, and I had to start at a new school again. I still had my "boyfriend" of 1 year, but long-distance didn't work. I didn't know what was going on with me. When I was diagnosed with diabetes in April of 2014, I thought my mood-swings and depression was because of that. Fast forward one more time to Summer 2014, when we moved to another place in Texas. I had moved away from my friends again. I was even more depressed and miserable and numb than I ever thought I could be. I met a guy who helped us move into our house, and I thought he was nice, and kinda cute. He was also LDS, but a convert. (we'll call him "the guy"). We became friends, and we talked, but I didn't think anything would become of it. All in all, my life was kinda messed up. Little did I know my life was about to take an unexpected turn.

At the end of October 2014, I started dating "the guy". Things quickly became more physical than I had ever planned, and I crossed the line. I never believed I would get into a predicament where I would break the law of Chastity. I had vowed to not break it, but I did. When I did, I knew I was in the wrong, but I was in too deep. I believed I couldn't get out. We were not careful, except for the few times I was "sane" enough to tell him we were going to be. He liked to tell me that if I did get pregnant, he'd always be there for me, that we'd get married, etc etc. I even remember thinking, "Would it really matter if I got pregnant?" I should have known then that I was not where I should have been. But my feelings were buried so deep, I couldn't feel almost anything. It got to the point where I would sneak out at night to see him, and during the day, I'd tell my parents I was going running, but I would really meet up with him.

In the beginning of our relationship, we never fought. Then, a few fights would break out, but nothing that wouldn't blow over. But one night, sometime in November, I got it into my brain that this relationship was not good. I tried to break up with him, and we got into a huge fight. I was hurt. He was hurt. I did not want to talk to him. The next day, he apologized, and I forgave. Then in December, we fought again, another huge fight, and again he apologized, and again I forgave him. And it happened yet again in January. I wasn't learning my lesson.

And, dang, did I pay for not listening when I should have. About 2 weeks later, I was reading a positive pregnancy test. I didn't know what to do, so I called "the guy" and told him about the test. He told me to tell my parents, and that he'd tell his parents. Now, my parents are awesome. They put up with me when I was way in the wrong. They had known that I'd sneaked out, and they gave me the appropriate punishments. But they also accepted that it was my choice, and that they still loved me. When I told them I was pregnant, they accepted it, and told me they would support me in whatever I chose. At the time, I wasn't thinking about what I was going to choose. I didn't know what to do about "the guy." I knew we needed a break, but I didn't know how to tell him. My parents agreed with me when I told them I wanted a break from him.

In mid-February, I went to Idaho to help my grandparents move. "They guy" and I got into a huge fight right before I left. I didn't want to speak to him for a couple weeks. All the while, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do for this human being that was growing inside me. I remember being so upset, but pushing the emotions away or writing them out, because I didn't want this baby to feel them. I remember talking to my grandma about it, how I didn't know what I was going to do, and how I still didn't really want to believe I had gotten pregnant. She told me about her experience of being pregnant out of wedlock. It calmed me to hear that I wasn't the only person to have so many fears and thoughts.

When I was about 9 weeks, "the guy" and I talked on the phone. We had another argument, and I didn't want to talk to him again. I stayed at my grandparent's for about 2 more weeks, and went back home. My grandparents offered a place of refuge if I ever needed. I had never realized how much my family loved me until I had made a decision that they could have just as easily resented me for.Heavenly Father gave me the people he knew would love and care for me no matter what. After much prayer, I knew I was going to place my baby boy for adoption.