In God We Trust

As Kalina's pregnancy progressed, I found that she would come to me time and again, frustrated with something that was going on. These were times that I was very grateful for, as they became opportunities to connect with her and to teach her, for I had experienced many times in my life when frustration was predominant.

ARP 12 Steps

 During what was the most frustrating point in my life, I was guided to a recovery manual that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints uses in their Addiction Recovery Program. It is based upon AA 12 steps program. I was at a point in my life where things were completely out of control. I felt completely helpless, like there was no hope to be had. With eight children under the age of 13 and pregnant with my ninth, I felt completely alone. My children are headstrong, with minds of their own. The house was in chaos. My emotions were out of control. My husband was working all the time. I would swing back and forth between hiding in my closet, sobbing over and over “Why Heavenly Father? Why me?” and hunting down my children, frustrated and mad at them that they wouldn’t help out. I yelled at them because they wouldn’t do their chores. Then I would go on a crazy cleaning spree, where I was working alone, because all my children were hiding, grumbling under my breath that I was the only one who ever did anything around the house. I rarely made much of a dent in the chaos, since the younger ones were always one step ahead of me, pulling things out, writing on walls, adding to the mayhem. My life at that time was literally out of control. God started prompting me to use the manual. Finally I did, going through each exercise; pondering each quote; reflecting on how it applied to my situation. As I went through it, I replaced the word addictions with weaknesses, for I truly felt weak. We all have that which we cannot do on our own. (Please know that I am not making light of addictions in any way). The key message of it all? When your life is out of control, and you don’t know where to turn, turn to God. Hand Him your burdens and then walk hand in hand with Him as you examine your life, where you are, and what you DO have control over. Then make changes in the parts that are yours to change. And through the grace of Jesus Christ, and with Him at your side, you are successful beyond your wildest dreams. 

painting by Yong Sung Kim

This was what I turned to as Kalina came to me with her frustrations. It seemed that her triggers were all situations she couldn’t control, so it just made sense. Kalina started working through the program with me, focusing on the fact that she couldn't control her life, but that there was someone greater than her who could. Little by little, the frustrations that kept popping up started to be replaced by love, understanding, and patience. She started to look at others with more understanding and tolerance. But the greatest change that came to her was when she allowed the process to apply to herself. Slowly, she began to forgive herself for making choices that she had been taught would bring about negative consequences. She began to understand that Christ is there for every single one of us in ALL of our difficulties and choices. She started to understand that Christ isn't there to take away the consequences of our actions, but with Him we can make it through those consequences, whether they are good or bad. Christ gave His life, and suffered for all of us so that we could all have a new chance at life. His only requirement is that we reach up and take His hand. And He makes up the difference. He does that which we cannot do. We are not expected to be perfect in this life, just do the best that we can every day of our life. Our best one day is not always the same as another day. That is okay. With Christ by our side, we are made perfect in the moment. And so it was with Kalina.