Reconciling Kalina's decision with my heart

Even while I gave my daughter all her options, in the back of my mind, I was troubled. What would happen to the baby? Would the baby be alright? What about Kalina? This was my first grandchild! How could I live with not knowing that precious child was okay? How could I live with not being able to teach this child the values and principles that I hold so dear? I never imagined that my first grandchild would come in this manner. But one thing I knew for sure. This baby was my blood. I didn’t want to lose the baby! So I took it to God, while allowing my daughter to ponder on her choice.

God blessed me with comfort. And answers. “All is well. Kalina will be fine. The baby will be fine. Don’t forget. Every difficult experience we have in life is for our good. It makes us stronger. Search for the lessons to be learned. You have been through challenges in the past. These lessons are yours to share with Kalina as she traverses this time in her life.  This experience will mold her into the person that she is meant to be.”

God also gave me Counselor.  She believed therapy was for the entire family, with Kalina as the focus. And since Kalina felt comfortable with having me there, I attended most of the sessions with her. Some of her sessions were individual, but most included at least mom, usually dad and occasionally a sibling or two. She took the time to connect with each of us. I soon found out that we actually had a common bond – she was mother to nine children, her oldest daughter having had a baby out of wedlock. This baby had been placed for adoption. This was a comfort to me, knowing that Counselor knew what we were going through as a family. She was also a member of our church, which gave us more common ground.

Counselor got to the root of the matter. “Kalina, you have some difficult decisions to be make. Let’s go through options that you have.” She mirrored the choices that I had listed. And reminded us of something important. “There are many couples who long for a family, but for one reason or another are unable to have their own children. The only way they are able to do so is through adoption.”

My mind flashed back to the beginning of my marriage. I knew that longing! At least a small measure of it. We had planned on waiting to have children. Everyone said “Enjoy your time together! There is time!” The first few months we followed their advice. But deep inside of me, there was a hole. It needed to be filled. I was meant to be a mother. It was my dream, my destiny. In my heart an empty space pulsed where my child was meant to be. And it wasn’t until my firstborn arrived that the hunger was satiated. I would never inflict that hole on anyone!

Counselor continued. “There are different types of adoption. There are closed and open adoptions. Kalina, it is your choice which kind you would like. Open adoptions allow you to continue to have interactions with the baby. Closed, you have no contact with the baby.” Kalina straight away identified that should she choose adoption, it would definitely be an open adoption.

About a week later, I was talking to Kalina and asked her if she had any inklings what route to take. I assured her that she had time to decide. The baby wouldn't come for a while. Though I did advise her to not put off the decision. The sooner she decided, the more focused she could be on where she was going. "Actually, I know what I need to do. I feel like adoption is the answer. An open adoption.  I want to bless the lives of someone who is meant to have my baby. I truly care about "the guy" but I honestly can't see it working out between us. We are young. Not ready to be parents. And if you adopted the baby, it would just be too close for me." I admit, I was a bit disappointed she hadn't chosen her dad and I to adopt the baby. But it made sense. And I was proud of her for her selflessness. She would be an instrument in God's hand as she filled the gap in a family.