It All Started Here...

I remember the day like it was yesterday. Kalina came to me with dread in her eyes.

"Mom. I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do." My mind flashed back to all that we had gone through in the last 16 years of her life. This was my first born. My pride and joy. The one who was supposed to turn out like me. I had an inkling that this could happen. But I had still held my breath, praying that the possibility would never occur. And now, here it was, in front of me. This was as far away from any situation I had ever found myself in that I could imagine.

I remembered the day she was born. Even then she wanted to do things early. From day one she wanted to stand on her own. When I held her in front of me she would stiffen up her body and just stand. Not even a week old. She crawled at four and a half months. She walked at nine months. She ran soon after. She spoke so eloquently as a toddler, that a person talking to her would forget that she was three years old instead of five. When she was little she loved her babies. She loved her baby brother too, carrying him around like the little mother that she was. A foreshadowing of things to come.

As Kalina grew she became more and more independent. She wanted to do things her way. When the teenage years hit I started noticing little signs of rebellion.  I was at a loss of what to do. She wasn't listening to me anymore. I took it to God. His message was always the same "Make sure she knows that you love her. You can't control her. You just need to love her." He taught me that every person was responsible for their own actions. I knew in my heart that what He shared with me was true, for I had nine very headstrong children, and I was VERY aware of the fact that I couldn't control all of them.  My message to my children was, "We came to earth to have freedom of choice. I can't control you. That isn't the way things are supposed to be. You make your choices. And with each choice comes specific responsibility. You need to be aware of your consequences. Every choice has a consequence. There are rules to be followed. Some say rules are made to be broken. They need to remember though, that when they are broken, consequences come. Make sure you know what you are choosing." As I think back, maybe I did a lot of the talking and she tuned most of it out. But one thing she did know. Her mother loved her.

And so it went on. Praying. Trusting in God that I would reach my daughter. Break through to her. We moved several times. Honestly, I saw the signs, but I never realized how deeply Kalina had gone until somewhere around November we had a big argument. I was sick of her not listening. I was offended that she wasn't taking my advice. When I really thought about it from God's eyes, it wasn't personal. We yelled at each other. I walked away fuming. But then God put it in my mind "Apologize for getting upset." I didn't want to. Because SHE was the one at fault! SHE was the one who was breaking rules. As I calmed down, I realized that I needed to do exactly that. So I went and found her. I apologized. I explained that I had blown up because I was very concerned about her and her choices. Because I could see the consequences of those choices. I asked her forgiveness. Then I stopped and listened. She broke down in tears. "Mom. I'm not a virgin anymore." It shocked me. I put my arms around her and listened. "Mom. I don't know why I did it. I always promised myself I would save myself for marriage." I hugged her sobbing body and cried with her. "So what are you going to do now?" "I'm going to tell him that I need a break. We can't be together." I understood. I agreed with her completely. It's too hard to stay away from the temptation once you have crossed the line. I felt more at ease. I relaxed. But temptations have a way of drawing you back if you aren't continually watchful. One night I woke up in the middle of the night. I checked and found Kalina gone. A huge knot formed in my stomach. Not again! For the next few weeks thoughts crossed my mind. I continued to do everything that I could to reach Kalina. A thought came to me, that if Kalina continued on the current path, a pregnancy might occur. If that was the case, I knew right then that I was willing to adopt that baby. Especially considering the fact that my husband and I had discussed adoption in the past. Interestingly enough, as I shared that thought with my husband that night, he told me he had had the exact same thought earlier that day.

And so it was, that a short time later, my daughter and I had the above conversation.

 Mom. I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do." 

"How about we start by looking at your options. You have a few choices ahead of you. Whatever you choose I will support you in."

1. Abortion. I would never do that myself but it is a choice. A very bad one in my opinion, for to me an individual starts becoming themselves at conception and I believe strongly that each baby has the right to life, to become the beautiful person that he or she is meant to be. If the baby isn't meant to be born, nature will take its course. However each person needs to make their own choices in life.  I make no judgments on those who choose otherwise. We all live with the consequences of our choices. To my great relief she ruled this option out almost before it came up.
2. Keep the baby and raise it on your own. This would be difficult, with very little means to support herself, much less a child. Also, babies are a lot of work. Lack of sleep is huge. And then they grow up to be children. Being the oldest of nine children, Kalina already understood a lot of this.
3. Keep the baby and marry the father. This could also be difficult. They were both so young. Neither of them had steady jobs. And would they want to live on minimum wage, both of them working, just trying to make ends meet? It is possible, but also very difficult.
4. Your dad and I are willing to adopt the baby. T
his would also have its challenges. She would constantly be reminded of the fact that this was her baby, but she wasn't the one being called mom. A constant reminder of what had happened.
5. You could place the baby for adoption outside the home and bless someone who isn't able to have children. This also has its challenges. She wouldn't see her baby very often, if at all.
6. You could place the baby for adoption with family. There were possibilities here. But again, emotionally it could also be difficult.

Kalina just didn't know. And I didn't expect her to know right away. I did, however, suggest that she take a break from seeing "the guy", so that she could truly clear her head and figure herself out without being influenced one way or the other. She agreed. Grandma happened to need some help right about that time, so we sent her to Idaho to help her out for a few weeks. While she was there she helped Grandma, prayed and pondered on her situation and where she was. And there, Kalina came to a conclusion, which she felt very strongly God was moving her towards She was supposed to place the baby for adoption in a family outside of our own.